Even the Mess Makes it Worth the Weed

Got utterly baked with T last night. Like really, I smoked a lot more weed than I ever have in my LIFE.

I'd been drinking a little earlier in the night - a couple beers - and usually the mix of beer and pot would have given me the spins. And I HATE the spins.

But I felt peaceful. I was curled up next to T on the couch in the 9th floor lounge, and we just shared a bag of chocolate covered pretzels, which is innately one of the messiest foods to eat. Your fingers get sticky from the chocolate and you get littered with crumbs. But we didn't really both cleaning ourselves up. We just sort of sat there and talked.

When we talked there was that sense of disjointed time that I really like about being stoned, where speaking takes hours and (what must have been long) pauses pass in a split second. I do remember that we kissed, and it felt so relaxed and natural, even though I know that our mouths must have tasted horrible. It seemed to last for so long, but we weren't groping or anything, it was just lips and tongue and light touches.

I went to bed, and the moment I closed my eyes I felt like I had to throw up. I really, really, really hate the spins.

Suck a Guy Off and He Walks All Over You...

Talked to Love of My Life online for four hours last night. He says he misses me - in guy-speak, he's remembers that I gave him a blowjob at the all-night grad party.

Love of My Life: when are you in town again
Saffron Susan: thanksgiving
Saffron Susan: so tuesday
LOML: lets hang out
SS: um duh! obviously haha
LOML: haha
LOML: i miss you
LOML: i miss you a lot
SS: yeah

I feel like I should hook up with T just to spite him.

The Inverse Relationship Between Sex and Stress

I wasn't able to fall asleep until 3am, making my 9 o'clock class that much harder. If I'd been at home, I would have called Whatshisname and we would have cuddled. Or at least would have tiava.com-ed my way to some quick porn and been sleep by 1am. But here there is a lack of whipped guy friends but an excess of roommates. #1 is back home from visiting her boyfriend, so with two roommates, I'm never alone. And all the hookups in my cell are three states away.

I'm signing up for spring semester classes next week. I still don't know what I want to be/major in, so it will be interesting. Why am I so whiny and stressed out lately? I blame it on the fact that (1) I haven't gotten any in two months, (2) I'm trying to cut back on cigarettes, and (3) I'm out of Cherry Blossom body butter. But mostly (1).

I told my mom T and I are dating. We might one day. Or at least get beyond this awkward stage of cuddles and flirting. It makes my mom feel better when I have a boyfriend. #2 thinks he likes me. That would be nice, even if it would never work out. I just want to cuddle with someone, get meals with them. Like a super-extra-comfy-devoted friend. Isn't that what a good boyfriend is?

Friday Night With the Girls =Lots of Liquor

Last night I spent an evening with the girls on the sixth floor. I always feel so social whenever I hang out with them; not that they are particularly popular or outgoing, but their relative shyness makes me feel social by comparison.

BBW's roommate's friends had brought a handle of rum and we mixed it with Diet Coke, alternating with some hard lemonade. I also had a beer that showed up from somewhere. Fucktard and BBW got shitfaced, I almost felt embarrassed for them. But I felt a lot closer to the other two girls because of it, the three of us being oh-so-much more experienced with drinking. Shadenfreude makes the world go 'round!

We went outside and everyone except for Westchester bummed cigarettes off of me. (Westchester's mom died of cancer, and while she's not sensitive to us smoking, she doesn't partake.) Having so many people steal my Camels was a little obnoxious; this was the pack that T bought me when he thought I was pissed off at him. He also fixed the lighter so that I could use it more easily; my thumb is too small for me to operate most lighters very well.

So five cigarettes down, I chainsmoked four more. I'm still new enough to smoking that it feels novel. I get that feeling of clarity and enthusiasm that I love, and smoking when you're drinking is one of the best experiences, only topped by smoking while sitting outside at night. Which is the best when you're stressed and have a ton to do. When I'm high I love to look at the ash burn, but lately I like the look of it even when I'm sober.

We wandered around campus a little, stopping by a concert and the cafe. I ran into T there. He was with some guys and alternately cuddled with me and blew me off. His way of gaining guy-rep. I don't mind, we both like to use each other to get some rep in our separate gender social groups. In so many ways, we're very alike.

T called me later that night when we were in Westchester's room, watching an Amanda Bynes movie and hanging out, drinking hard lemonade. He showed up and cuddled, jokingly trying to feel me up and hold my hand. He does that because he likes to feel close to people, craves physical contact. Never said out loud, but understood. I like it in him. A propensity to hug and cuddle makes for a good friend.

Someone asked me whether I had ever hooked up with T, and I said "No." Then considered. "Not really." Said because I like people to think I get more action than I do, but in retrospect, it's kinda close to the truth.